Acceptance is the main course on the menu of life

I work in a field where the concept of acceptance is a very helpful healing tool. It is even part of a specific psychotherapy approach (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). On many occasions, I have heard stories that made me want to find such a ladder leading to inner peace. I have been struggling with this because to me it meant being resigned, or no longer fighting against injustices. I saw that as a more noble way to say someone was giving up. Being perseverant and stubborn by nature, throughout my life I carried around a baggage filled with refusal to accept certain situations or outcomes. 

Then, recently, I realized something. I couldn't put it into words at that moment (which is generally a good sign, because the shift is happening at an experiential level rather than being intellectualized). I was sitting in front of someone I deeply love and care about. This was a sad and painful situation, but I was facing it, with courage. Then the shift happened. I felt like this was a "Krishnamurti moment" (if I recall correctly, this philosopher said that "meditation is perceiving the truth every second"). And the truth of that moment was this: I experienced a glimmer of hope, something I had not felt in several months about that particular dynamic with that person. And with that hope came automatically what felt like acceptance. But acceptance didn't mean giving up. It simply meant seeing, acknowledging.

That was quite a revelation: you don't have to agree with or like a situation to accept it. At that point, accepting simply meant stepping out of the emotional denial (because I was not in denial on an intellectual level, but maybe so on an emotional one). And that acceptance freed up some space and energy in my mind, in my heart. That energy was then at the disposal of intention. I spoke, listened, observed and loved with intention. The effects continued for many hours after that. An article I had been working on for almost 2 years and yet was still clunky and putting me in a state of despair even after 6 or 7 iterations (and at least as many back-and-forth emails with my editor) was brought to a new level. After emptying my mind while roller-blading, I saw clearly how I had to write about it. I redid the article in less than 2 hours and it didn't necessitate major revisions this time.

Maybe we should teach our children to practice acceptance with simple things, like accepting that the days are getting shorter, that we need to go to sleep when we would rather watch more TV, that Christmas is not every day, that we just turned the last page on this novel we devoured, that there is wind making knots with our hair, that we were distracted and have spilled juice as a result. Acceptance is a buffer to self-blame and can even pave the way to self-compassion.

After practicing in those more tolerable circumstances, acceptance for more challenging chapters of our trajectory seems to arise when we let ourselves sit with the pieces of a broken life: after a rupture, the death of a loved one, a job loss or any hardship that cracks us open.

I always liked to use the kintsugi analogy with trauma recovery. Being transformed after being wounded makes us more beautiful. A repaired pottery looks more beautiful with its golden scars than when intact. Later on, I learned that one important step in the kintsugi, or this Japanese art of golden lacquer to repair pottery, is before the repair: sitting with the broken pieces.

I think I had not really let myself sit with the broken pieces of my identity these past several months. But hours into the new moon, the conditions were favorable for me to pause and do it before planting the seeds of intention. Instead of spinning my wheels, instead of doing or undoing, I tried to simply be. And some magic might have happened. I would like to think it did, anyhow. I let my heart speak. I knew exactly what I was supposed to be for that beloved in front of me. And it felt good.

So now, I am a big fan of acceptance. A small dose of hope seems to have been the appetizer that created the craving for it. With acceptance being the main nourishment, I can now wait for the bonus dessert that will have a sweet glaze of joy after having set my soul free from the bondage of a situation that had been beyond my control and that I now see for what it. I welcome or play mental judo with what I accept rather than fighting it. It leaves me more energized, lucid and effective.

Acceptance is not a ladder. It is more like a parachute, softening the landing of where we are meant to go, so we can approach it with thoughtfulness, whether an ocean, a raging volcano, a desert, a rainforest, a glacier. It helps us leave the wind of mental noise behind and reach the firm ground of the next challenge to face without breaking into pieces.

By accepting difficult realities, my soul expands. It softens my heart and lets me access humility and deeper wisdom that hopefully will help me accomplish what I was meant to on this earth, and I believe that the main part of this agenda is to love.