It must be the full moon...

Source: Pixabay.com

For the first time since spring, I jump in my warm pajamas to go from room to room. It's a little after 5 am. I usually need to sleep in until 7 or 7:30. But I can't sleep. I have had insomnia since I landed in Scandinavia over two weeks ago and it persisted through my trip and now 6 days into my return. I was completely wiped out after a busy clinical day yesterday. It might have been a story at the end of the day, heavy with symptoms that can only develop after severe, repressed trauma. Or could it have been the 20 minutes spent cleaning a microwave mess that looked like a carnage ? In total disbelief after I flipped over the bowl of chili on the door that opens from the bottom, not the side, making it therefore impossible to clean well because of the way the door closes, I was wondering if I should cry at my clumsiness, the waste of food, paper towel and time, or laugh at this improbable spill. I could have used this time differently, as I feel rather unproductive these days and it affects my mood (or my mood is preoccupied and therefore I am unproductive ?). I have an art show coming up on Saturday and I am supposed to create more pieces, but I spread the materials all over my house and all I can do is touch the paper, the fabric, hoping they will magically come together and emerge as a masterpiece collage or something. 

I know today is the full moon. I have been fascinated by it for a very long time. This pearl, this melancholic visage inspired me poems. I remember an essay I wrote about it in community college during English class. For me, there was no question that it had an influence on us, on our emotions. If it has on the ocean, the tides, and we are primarily made of water, how could it not ? After that, I met a man who was totally against keeping an open mind about the not fully explained, absurdly insisting on obtaining hard-core evidence about even the most intimate beliefs, putting the burden of never-satisfying proof on my shoulders. Tragically, I gradually disconnected from my intuition and the belief that we have a deep, mysterious and essential connection with nature. That there are intangible forces at play in our world. That the fact that there isn't a study published yet doesn't mean something isn't real or doesn't exist. As we know, science is slow to catch up on the divine stuff !!! Gaslighting made me doubt that I could make valid observations or create inquiries worth looking into. My desire to transcend the tangible world and see science as imperfect instead of a religion that needed to be blindly believed was dismissed. The overly rational mind of the Logos gradually took over in my life. I was surrounded by proof tyrants. Helpless, I let Logos dominate most of my life. I even unexpectedly chose an academic path in my career in the hope that I would be taken seriously. I published, presented at conferences, gave workshops and lectures, did a certificate training program through Harvard and I became Full Professor two years ago, generally a significant milestone for us women because we are still underrepresented in academia. Yet, the gaslighting and denigration only escalated. And the obsession with logic seemed paradoxically irrational to me... But I could not bring this observation up. It would have led to agonizing debates, where my opinions were put on trial, where apparently someone had to be right (and it was generally not me). But I craved for dialogue, not debate. I wanted a sharing of ideas to expand my mind. Instead, for too many years I got a war of words creating an illusory hierarchy of opinions. 

Then, in the interim, I had children. The amazing thing with kids is that they are still untouched by these delusions of the mind. They remind us, through their raw emotions and reactions, that we are perceptive beings. Not only did they share my infatuation with the moon, especially at its fullest and brightest, they helped me reconnect with the whispers of my soul. That is why I proclaim that my sons are my best teachers. I can still hear my Kristof exclaim, ''mama, look, it's the full LUNE'' (and so cutely pronounced LOON). And then there was this a-ha moment: I would think back about all the drama, fights, dysregulation they had displayed two days prior and it all made sense. I cannot tell you how often I had observed this phenomenon: two days before the full moon, there would be an unusual level of emotions between my children. Yes, they have always been spirited, intense and active, but two days before many full moons, their rambunctiousness was through the roofs. I decided to listen to my intuition again and started to keep track, at least to better prepare for these extra intense nights I would be alone with them at home, planning for more cozy moments, movie time, calm and soothing activities, hence minimizing the risk of conflict. 

I had also heard that there are more admissions on psychiatric wards around the full moon. More pregnant women are apparently going into labor. I kept that to myself though, until I found my tribe. Meanwhile, we celebrated my niece Mélodie's third birthday at my house. Since she is also a moon-lover, we had an obvious theme going. Moon pendant, inflatable full moon glow-in-the-dark ball... I still have the garland with the full moon and stars I made for her. They are currently in the Full Moon room where her sister Laurence slept when she visited last year.

During the pandemic, I also joined a new moon circle via zoom. There was meditation with drumming, and intention-setting (setting an intention is different than a measurable goal: it is about expressing the states we want to embody, like being filled with peace, light, love...). It was absolutely enchanting. Since then, I have been paying more attention to the cycle of the moon because it mirrors so much the cyclical nature we all have, especially women. I have already written that nature keeps mirroring itself... The cycles are also opportunities to connect with our inner power, creative energy, wisdom and intentions. The New Moon and The Full Moon are considered Yang phases, so we are invited or reminded to take action. Other phases are Yin phases, so more characterized by receptivity and rest.

What has your full moon been like so far ? It also coincides with the upcoming fall equinox, another highly symbolic part of a cycle of life, the one of the seasons. It is another framework rich in symbolism as well, coinciding with the fall and harvest, where it is time to also reflect on what we have accomplished, our effort, not only in the tangible world but spiritually. Can we identify areas of growth such as an expansion of awareness, improved self-regulation, or a greater capacity for love ? It is nice to celebrate our personal growth this time of year with a special dinner or gathering with friends, or any ritual that is meaningful. A ritual to emphasize that the day is equal in duration to the night, therefore symbolizing the balance between polarities: light and dark, the masculine and the feminine, the Yang and the Yin. Rituals are important and can be used as cleansing of what no longer serves us.

Despite the messes in my house and in my life at the moment, I also have wonderful things unfolding and, as I contemplate the moonrise this evening, I have a lot to be grateful for, ready for the next chapter of my life, my soul ripe for creative endeavors and even more shedding of what is not me. Speaking off, my friend Christopher and I just launched our podcast called the Dandelion Reflections. The Dandelion symbolizes light (the sun, the full moon and the stars). So it is a perfect synchronicity.

Just like the moon, over the span of our life, we can only become more and more complete and luminous. May light be with you, as you see the pearl, the melancholic woman or white puff ball rise into the sky in all its majesty tonight.

Link to the first episode of The Dandelion Reflections podcast:

Introduction and our Why - The DandelionReflections S1E1 (youtube.com)