Pressured to be merry, anyone?

 

I cherish so many fond memories of Christmas. I also have sad ones, darkened by family drama. I collected memories of its magic when I was little, singing in the choir at church, coming out of mass to discover that the first snow of the season was softening the air, or upon discovering our stockings full of dreams and surprises by the dancing fire in the red brick fireplace of my favorite sous-sol ever. I also remember vividly the pinch of Angst announcing that there was something missing, even though everything seemed like the year before, at least from the outside. I was 15 years old and what I experienced felt really close to grief. Naming it to myself (''I feel like I lost the magic of Christmas''), because I had really lost something, or a thread had been broken, hence the experience of grief, seemed to capture it. The magic came back a little bit during some subsequent Noëls, especially when we had new baby cousins, also when I started dating a guy long enough to have a few holiday family times together, and even more so when I had my own children (at which point the magic was immense because this is who my boys are and by being who they are, they reignited my joie de vivre and creative magic hundredfold). Since then, I have been intrigued by this ingredient in celebration we call magic...

As I grew a bit more cynical, I decided that being in the mood for Christmas is like sleep or orgasm. You cannot force it nor fake it. In order to achieve that blissful state, you have to let go and remove the obstacles (mental, physical etc) preventing you from accessing your natural state, which is feeling good or at peace. This time of year, with all the excruciating residues of some hardship over the preceding 11 months, the reactivation of grief, the work deadlines (in my case, students' evaluations, renewal of license, completing medical records), the school deadlines (finals), the explosion of parties or potlucks on the schedule, and of course the proverbial shopping or wish list, it is easy to imagine how one could relate with the anti-climactic quality of the holiday season fuss. Add some sprinkles of germs on top of this and your whole timeline gets turned upside down.

Earlier this month, and as shared in my previous blog, I learned about the loss of a dear elder. Simultaneously, I had a cold. My body and soul had to slow down and heal. Christmas baking was no longer a priority. I didn't have the time, the energy nor the motivation to expand my being into creativity. The idea of putting up a Christmas tree felt even more futile. Sure, I enjoy others' own decorated tree when I visit. But for me, this ritual has no meaning if done on my own. I prefer to focus my energy on something else, something different. Like doing more self-care (I noticed that I have been reading less and less, even though it is an activity that boosts my mental health), sharing a meal with a close one, or connecting with new, interesting people and developing friendships.

I admit that if I could have opted out of Christmas during stressful times (this year included), I would have. Don't get me wrong, I generally like Christmas. I am not quite a Christmas geek like my mother (you should see her home: a Christmas store, or Disneyland !), but there are aspects of Christmas I am fond of, such as the celebration of values I hold dear, like gratitude, joy, peace. Yet, it is not because it is the holiday season that our soul doesn't know the dark hour. Grief, loneliness, uncertainty, and all other permutations of suffering know no calendar nor timeline. Over the years, I had various experiences with being punched in the gut around or at Christmas, making me approach it with caution and reduced expectations now. 

It is less important to me to do the same things every year (send cards, use the same decorations in the same way, baking etc) than to reinvent myself. I prefer to continue the home improvement projects I started months ago (like covering a kitchen wall with corks) rather than adding more temporary Christmas projects (and if I add some, they need to be fun, like an ugly sweater contest -which I won !- and prepared at the last minute).

The older and wiser I get, the more I crave for the 4 S's in this time of hibernation: space, silence, stillness and solitude are essential to my ability to buffer the pressure from consumerism and enjoy gatherings among loved ones. I try to savor many ''micro-Christmases'' here and there throughout the month, like my own grownup and spiritual Advent calendar, which each door having either a cozy evening by the fire place, a movie night, half-hour to soak in the bath with candles, a meditation evening, a hike with a dear one, a moment contemplating the full moon, practicing a winter sport, a walk in my neighborhood where I marvel at Tony's plastic snowman he made 50 years ago. 

I hope you find your own way to slow down, reconnect with the cycles of nature and recharge this month. Adding more stress seems contrary to the meaning of Christmas. Give, that is fine and good, and make sure to self-give, and self-forgive. Maybe magic is this thing that doesn't need to be searched for or created. The fact that kids are so skilled at swimming in it tells me that it has been there all along, in us and in the cycles of nature, that procedural adult life hid it with its opaque rules, and we just need to unlearn all that to let it unfold by not trying to control every single variable, during Christmas and life in general. 

May the magic of this holiday season and winter solstice envelop your whole being !

The socks that were part of the prize for the ugly sweater
put me in a Scandinavian spirit, another portal to comfort and hygge.