What a sadness that tries to stay strong looks like

 

I found this cute sun (how funny... I did a freudian lapse, as I initially typed ''son'' ! More on this below...) at my favorite local thrift store just a few hours before the most important face-to-face of my life this year so far. I am pleased that it cost me 1,99 only. The greedy of this world who are being so destructive right now as they try to accumulate obscene amounts of wealth must feel miserable. I do not envy them. I find abundance in those dismissed treasures ! I also had another special find at a neighboring vintage store, an antique mini doll that will be the subject of another blog.

Most of the day, life felt like it was at the perfect temperature. Ahhhh, finally. I went back to drawing something, as opposed to feeling paralyzed in front of my unorganized pens and pencils like the day before. I drew a card with a fox on it for my middle son who just turned 15. Fifteeeeeeen ! Oh my goodness. I remember giving birth to this beautiful, vigorous boy (despite his slightly lower body temperature at first) in Minnesota as if it were yesterday. I guess love gave me a momentum. Love for my sons, in this birthday time of year for two of them. Including for my oldest, turning 18 soon... My oldest boy, the child of the migration, because I was pregnant of him when I moved to the USA from Canada...

I was filled with hope without precise expectations, if that makes any sense. I took extra care of myself that day: took my two walks, took two showers (a cold one for the second), drank some green juice for high vibrational frequency (I thought he will study math, but no, physics, apparently). I even put on mascara, brushed my hair, picked a Tori Richards dress I don't think he has ever seen me in before. I looked classy, poised, professional yet warm. I wanted him to have a good experience of an interaction with this new me... Not that the old one was terribly flawed. It was just depleted, dysregulated, panicked, reactive 4 years ago.

Yes, it has been 4 years since I saw my son from so close... I cannot describe the mixture of feelings thinking about this moment, and being in that surreal moment. He looked so beautiful. I saw a little bit of my father, me and his youngest brother in his face all at once. Brown eyes, blond, curly hair pulled back in a hair band, smooth skin, cute dentition despite his dad's concerns that he needed braces. He was just perfect the way I found him. Just perfect.

He didn't order food, even though we agreed to meet at a restaurant, the Thai place that was filled with memories and where I used to go with his father. He refused any of my green curry I ordered. In fact, he left before I was able to express all I need to, all the catch-up I was hoping, so naively, we would do. I didn't have the chance to give him his pre-birthday little present, nor show him a rubber band bracelet I was still wearing and that he made years ago... I thought we would share all of our life adventures and insights learned these past years, all our astonishments...

I was calm despite our inability to meet halfway. I am actually astonished by my equanimity. I also feel like a complete failure. Thinking about the messy, atrocious divorce and its impact on my three sons and me. I ate alone and took a walk by the artificial body of water since the evening was so pleasant. I was composed enough to wait until I got home to cry and go to bed, heartbroken once again, feeling misunderstood and ineffective in moving us both on a positive trajectory. I tried to explain to him that I have so much to give him, stuff that cannot have a dollar amount attached to it...

I want to love you and your brothers so bad... I want you to see the new me so acutely, in the hope you will find me solid and be reassured.

Not sure when this will happen. I sure wish this physics major you picked will be the trail to my deep truth about quantum entanglement. There isn't a day that passes without me thinking of you or loving you. There isn't a day that passes without me hoping you live your own life, follow your own dreams, not someone else's. Not one day that passes without me hoping you feel free to express your authenticity, empathy and enthusiasm for all of life, like I know you are capable of !

Yesterday, two days before this incredible masterpiece of a human being who made me a mom will turn 18, I was sad. I had this itchy feeling of uncompletedness, non-closure. But despite a shutdown appetite, I ate my meal alone, and then I put a smile on my face during my walk, because I am still so proud to be your mother. Loving is tough when it means staying true to oneself, or embodying important core values.

The subtext is always what matters. May ours have been filled with our yearnings for what we have been and know we can be together: the mutual teasing, the genuine affection, the complicity in this Spiderman ride you tricked me into going at Six Flags, the growing, the caring for each other, the reciprocal validation of feelings, the celebration of each other's unique gifts, the learning as we navigate interactions in the midst of a stubbornness we share. This is what my life with you has been about, son. I cherish my life with you in it. Yes, you have been spirited (therefore I was quite sleep-deprived at times), and yes, you have made me a better person. I am proud of you. You continue to teach me and inspire me. I miss you and I love you.