From ''faux pas'' to real steps, thanks to chi running
Two days after my fall while trail-running, I decided to go again, this time a little bit earlier in the morning, hoping to spare my body from the heat. I was able to run 35 min and I could have continued, but I had stuff to do and it was starting to get hot. I felt confident and glad I hadn't let my fall and some discomforts discourage me. I was hoping to be able to keep the recommended rhythm of running every two days in preparation for Une Fille Qui Court. So I went again a few days later in my neighborhood, my work schedule not allowing me to drive to go to the trail in the Enchanted Forest. I had to stay close by to save time. That's ok, the hills where I live are a great opportunity to expand my strength and aerobic capacities.
My route nearby is now about 40 min. I have been doing the same route since March. My house was in sight, I had almost completed the run. And... BAM. Again. I couldn't believe it. As we fall, it is almost like when we think we are going to die: if not some chapters of our life, many anxieties or thoughts rise to the surface and race fast. Beyond the point of feeling embarrassed (my ego still felt mortified a little bit though), I worried about two things: what if no one rescues me (because I was certain I was going to hurt myself really bad this time) and even worse, what if I lose consciousness as I hit the ground and a car runs over me ? The neighborhood where I live, although quiet with infrequent circulation, has no sidewalks and cars tend to drive above the speed limit. These major sources of anxiety were like a shocker. As soon as I landed on my left side, with hand, knee, shoulder and cheek (not necessarily in that order, but it doesn't matter and I cannot tell, as it all happened so fast), it was like being zapped. I put myself straight up to do a quick inventory of the damage. I had the distinct pleasure to mentally revisiting my Netter anatomy textbooks from my physical therapy years as I was trying to find really cool names to locate my exquisite pain, such as the trochanter, or tibial lateral condyle. My left cheek (thank goodness for my big, padded, baby cheeks !) felt sore but there was no obvious bone damage detectable in my face. My left shoulder and knee had abrasions. And the wound in my right palm from my first fall, which had started to heal, had reopened, bigger this time. With the bright red blood in that location, I looked like a Jesus after crucifixion.
And this mythical scene was not very remote from what I felt: I went home, shaken, tried to do some muscular training in the stairs, then let myself cry from frustration, wondering if I had not just completely overestimated my ability. I started feeling the love-hate relationship with running (and more the hate dimension, to be honest). My dedication to this activity was kind of crucified as I attempted to escape, ironically, another form of crucifixion, the heartquake that shakes my whole being and rips my soul. I messaged my sister, a hard-core athlete at various times in her life, who used to play competitive sport since childhood into young adulthood, train regularly and even participated in a triathlon. She got worried I was overextending myself, and asked me if I could cancel...
No, I didn't want to give up. I just needed to put my training on pause.
From people who know I run, sometimes I hear questions like ''Don't you get an endorphin high ?''
Nope. Not that I can tell, at least. The things that give me said high are caramel, re-reading my boys cute messages, chocolate, dancing on a favorite song, having an enlightening conversation with a kindred spirit, French kissing, dipped cone at DQ, poutine, chips, and sex (and yes, in that decrescendo order). And it takes even more to release the energizing, ecstatic dopamine: the Superman ride with my oldest son, being absorbed in a creative project, downhill skiing with my boys, watching Back to the Future, waterslides.
Where do you see jogging on this list ? I hate jogging ! Who in the world have I been trying to fool ! Why am I doing this to myself ???
When we feel down, we lose perspective. I could simply not remember the times I did feel great, like in the zone, and like I could run forever, or the awe and deep satisfaction from running 10k. I was only replaying the fall episodes throughout my life as an amateur runner...
But I managed to calm down. I had the presence of mind to look up books that could help me improve my technique, or learn about trail-running in general. A title popped up in my search: Chi-Running, A Revolutionary Approach to Effortless, Injury-Free Running.
Bingo. I decided I should give this another try. I started reading the book. The principles can be applicable to any practice, and even life in general. I have to reconnect with my life energy (chi) and unleash it. A few chapters into it, I could already revisit those times of ''effortless'' running or hiking, as opposed to puzzling excursions when my legs were no longer obeying me and felt like cotton... And in retrospect, I can tell you that in the latter case, there was usually a dynamic that was draining and blocking the circulation of my chi... Three days after the second fall, feeling ok, full of chi, I went back to a trail I used to go to when I was renting a house. It is a around a lake, flat, and wider than the Enchanted Forest. I decided to start by walking to warm up and keep an open mind. I ran the last 25 min and didn't fall. It felt actually good. The next day, I drove to another area with some steeper trails. I also ran 20 min, despite the heat. I was trying to let my chi lead the running, while staying mindful about my posture, each step (trying to convert my heel striker type of contact to a midfoot striker one...) and each movement, trying to notice the position of and sensations in my shoulders, lumbar spine, lower abs etc. Because both falls happened when I was not paying total attention but was rather caught in my thinking, my mental activity made of sorrow that my running is supposed to help me escape from. I was able to not add scratches to the parchment of my body last weekend... Phew !
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